You could not make this stuff up if you tried.

Or perhaps only LSU and Auburn — with their long, nutty history of earthquakes and barn fires, communal cigars, mulligan extra points and whatnot — would dare attempt such an outrageous stunt in public.

But here we are — Tigers vs. Tigers — with all eyes on LSU’s well-singed secondary, somewhat smoldering, looking like it just staggered out of the tinder box of that old arena just outside Jordan-Hare Stadium that burned to the ground as Auburn and LSU did battle maybe 100 yards away from the inferno in 1996.

So here we go.

At last glance, Monday, LSU’s crispy pass defense was ranked No. 121 in the nation (you probably didn’t realize there are 121 teams in the Football Bowl Subdivision, but there are 130).

And here’s the delicious rub: Auburn’s passing offense was ranked — don’t everybody shout at once — but, you guessed it, No. 121 in the nation. The War Eagles — the school’s designated mascot for this dual Tiger week — don’t throw it all that well and often don’t catch it when they do.

So it shapes up as a rare fair fight for LSU’s defensive backs against Auburn’s struggling air attack.

Hard to figure. But Saturday night could be two tons of madcap family fun or a furiously futile eyesore not fit for the kiddies’ attention span.

And get this: LSU head coach Brian Kelly claimed Auburn’s offense is a combination of what Ole Miss and Missouri did the last two weeks, but pay him no mind on that one. His quirky humor is usually way more subtle than that.

More likely, it could look like one of those convoluted spring games — bad on bad, Auburn offense vs. LSU defense; good on good, LSU offense vs. Auburn defense.

Hopeless, meet Helpless. Your basic Stoppable force vs. a Movable object. Set it to a Looney Tunes musical back drop. Both, bless their hearts, are doing the best they can.

But LSU’s pass defense against Auburn’s deflated air game might look like two teams of clumsy pandas stumbling around.

But Auburn made some progress when it scared the UGA out of the No. 1 Georgia two weeks ago in a last-minute 27-20 loss. Most of the offense runs through Payton Thorne, with relief appearances from Robby Ashford.

“We are trying hard to build on that,” first-year Auburn head coach Hugh Freeze said this week. “I thought (Thorne) made some really good throws. But when you are playing in this league, the DBs are in position. You do not find many where you are running wide open …”

Maybe Freeze was trying to be funny, too. He had an open date last week to watch extra LSU tape. Better look again, coach. You might see something you like.

Anyway, LSU has to be thinking that if it can’t slow down the most anemic passing game in the SEC, it’s just not going to happen this year. Auburn must be saying, it can’t complete a forward pass against that patchwork secondary, then maybe it should try rugby.

Auburn is far more run-oriented anyway — it had only 88 yards in the air against Georgia, 219 on the ground — but surely has watched film of LSU’s pass defense and will be tempted to air it out. Not that LSU has been a run-stuffing machine, but at the least that area did seem to make progress in the second half at Missouri.

On the other side, Auburn may have the best defense LSU’s high-octane offense will have seen thus far. That matchup has a chance to resemble actual football.

LSU quarterback Jayden Daniels, who would have had a Heisman Moment last week if anybody had been paying attention to a two-loss team, might be the difference.

“I don’t think you can stop him,” Freeze said. “There are too many weapons around him and he’s just too good.”

He may have been being serious there.

LSU leads the SEC in total offense (and most pertinent offensive categories), Auburn is last in total offense.

But lately holding LSU to 49 points has been the cutoff for having a chance. It worked for Ole Miss, not so much for Missouri.

So Auburn (3-2, 0-2 SEC), which was predicted all along to be in major rebuilding mode, can get far ahead of that curve with a win.

LSU had much higher hopes but can get back on track, at least in the SEC race, with a win.

It should be entertaining, at least, if maybe not a barn-burner.

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Scooter Hobbs covers LSU athletics. Email him at scooter.hobbs@americanpress.com