LSU forgot to schedule some breaks

You’re LSU, OK?

You’ve been up since before dawn for this monster obstacle course full of peril and mine fields.

You were chuckled at all summer, mocked for even attempting such a fool thing. But you’re a trooper.

You trudge on against the odds, battling the rarity of low summer expectations with dogged determination and blind faith.

The first hill was supposed to be one of the worst, No. 8 Miami right out of the gate, but you kind of breezed right through it, opening some eyes along the way.

It was easier but still ugly through Southeastern Louisiana, to the point a following trip to Auburn seemed pretty well useless. But you pulled a stunner, still standing, rising in the polls even if nobody expects a No. 5 ranking to have much shelf life.

There have been casualties along the way. The offensive line is a mish-mash, patched-up bunch seemingly taking on volunteers just to get a quorum.

The rest of the offense loses it way from time to time, but somehow manages. It starts to look a better anyway, through another state school.

So you pull yourself up over one more steep hill, exhausted after slam-dunking that pesky Ole Miss offense, crawl the last few yards and collapse right at the foot of a pair of shiny combat boots.

You look up, wipe the dust out of your eyes. There’s a diabolical drill sergeant towering above you, arms folded, smirking down at you.

That’d be LSU at this point of what is widely rumored to be the nation’s toughest schedule. 

DRILL SERGEANT: Nice work, ladies. 

LSU: Thank goodness, we made it. 

DS: Made who? 

LSU:Can we rest now? Some water, maybe? 

DS: Rest!? Who are you talking about rest? 

LSU: Two top-10 wins ought to count for … nobody else had done that. 

DS: Not bad. But we’re just getting started. 

LSU: Juuust? Getttting? Ststaaarted? 

DS: Oh, yeah, gotta admit you surprised me a little bit. Especially that Auburn deal.

LSU: Nobody gave us a chance. 

DS: But that, and Miami, too, the whole 5-0 record and No. 5 ranking, that was just the preliminary, the warm-up round. 

LSU: There’s more? 

DS: Oh, yeah. Now we’re going to turn it up a notch. 

LSU: You mean worse than what’s behind us? 

DS: That was just the bunny slope. 

LSU: Alabama again, huh? 

DS: Oh, for sure, the Tide is out there, badder than ever. Don’t you worry about that. You hadn’t seen ’em yet, have you? You’d know if you had. You’d be ever sorer. And you know they’re waiting out there every year. 

LSU: Almost forgot. Sheesh, let’s get it over with. 

DS: There will be plenty of time for that later on.

LSU: OK … 

DS: Got a few tune-ups for you ladies before worrying about Nick and the Tide. 

LSU: Well, surely it can’t be any worse than … 

DS: We put a little extra weight in the backpack for you now. 

LSU: You what? 

DS: Next you go through The Swamp, it’ll be filled with Florida Gators, probably angry ones.

LSU: Wait a minute. Went there last season. Survived. What’s this two years in a row stuff? 

DS: Talk to your athletic director. Some kind of deal he negotiated. But you get to come home the next week … 

LSU: Well, thank goodness … 

DS: … to play Georgia. That’s No. 2 Georgia.

LSU: Well, Saturday night in Tiger Stadium, you never know what … 

DS: It’ll be a day game. 

LSU: Day game? You kept us up past midnight last week. 

DS: Then you get Mississippi State the next week. 

LSU: The team that whipped us 37-7 last year? 

DS: It wasn’t pretty, was it? 

LSU: That’s, like, three of the most physical teams in the SEC. 

DS: Not counting Alabama, probably so. 

LSU: So who’s Alabama “tuning up” with? 

DS: Let me check. Oh, here it is. I guess it would be Arkansas, Missouri and Tennessee. 

LSU: You mean two of the worst SEC teams in our lifetime. 

DS: Mizzou ain’t bad. 

LSU: Yeah, but even when that newfangled Snowflake offense goes off on you, it only annoys you. Never even leaves a bruise. 

DS: Rarely. 

LSU: And we’re in the same conference as Bama right? 

DS: Yeah, same division, too, but there’s those cross-division games. Bama got Mizzou and always gets Tennessee. 

LSU: Like we always get Florida — and, this year, Georgia. 

DS: Just the way it worked out. 

LSU: Who thought this up? 

DS: The conference office, I suppose. 

LSU: And that’s still in Birmingham, right? DS: Just a coincidence.

Scooter Hobbs covers LSU athletics. Email him at

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