Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher greets defensive back P.J. Williams, right, during an NCAA college football practice on Jan. 3 in Costa Mesa, Calif. (Associated Press)
Last Modified: Wednesday, January 08, 2014 2:49 PM
This SEC high tribunal will now come to order.
Auburn, will you please face the judge and jury and would you horse-laughing Alabama fans please settle down and come to order?
AUBURN: War Eagle!
SEC: War Who? Auburn, you have brought great shame and disgrace upon this proud (arrogant) conference. You must now answer for Florida State 34, Auburn 31. You must show true cause why you should not be excommunicated posthaste from this proud (insufferable) conference.
AU: We had a great season. Made it to the BCS championship game. Lots of thrills (unexplained miracles) along the way.
SEC: Exactly, but you didn’t win it now, did you? Where’s the crystal, big boy? The SEC doesn’t just go to the BCS title game — that’s for apologized to Auburn fans (for rushing for 195 yards but not winning because they’re the wannabes — the SEC, it WINS the BCS title games, DOMINATES BCS title games and they are all supposed to end with cheerful (taunting) chants of S-E-C, S-E-C!
AU: It was a great game. But Tre Mason, danged if he didn’t break one too many tackles and score the go-ahead touchdown too early.
SEC: Apology-schmology. What about the rest of the SEC? Alabama excepted, it tends to live vicariously with each year’s anointed SEC champion to carry the banner for all of them. SEC Fatigue is not a illness, it’s a glorious way of life.
AU: We have to live with Alabama fans — and we beat them (expletive deleted). Is that not punishment enough?
SEC: Deal with it. Do you realize how much fun they’re having at Ohio State right now? Oregon just built another billion-dollar palace just to celebrate the SEC demise. Can you imagine the party they’re having at Oklahoma? Southern Cal feels vindicated. Texas has a new coach and a new reason to live. Even Michigan has hope. All at our expense! They’re dancing in the streets. Next think you know, Boise State is going to be trash-talking again.
AU: SEC still went 7-3 in bowls, not bad.
SEC: Warm-up acts, son. Around here you’re supposed to bring home the big crystal or the bowl season is meaningless. Does the term “Eight is Not Enough” have any meaning to you. Now they’ll say it was a Lucky Seven. They’re all laughing at us. It’s like Mardi Gras in the Big 12 and Pac-10.
AU: We were 13 seconds away.
SEC: Great. We’ll print t-shirts that read:
Not quite the same.
AU: The jealous Big Ten refs threw a mean flag. Pass interference. Not fair.
SEC: It was a good call. Shame it had to end that way, granted. But it was the right call. Your guy mugged him.
AU: LSU lost a BCS title game. Those Tigers are still welcome around here. At least we showed up to play.
SEC: Those Tigers kept that embarrassment within the family. Lost to Bama. Still got ridiculed for it. But it was the greatest of all BCS games. It took years of committee tinkering, but the system finally worked perfectly and the deck was stacked to where we couldn’t lose. S-E-C! S-E-C!
AU: If it please the tribunal, we have a rather unique argument we’d like to present. We hold that maybe that same dynamic was in play out in Pasadena.
SEC: We’re interested.
AU: Florida State looked like an SEC team.
SEC: But they’re not.
AU: Could have fooled us.
SEC: Go on.
AU: Florida State IS an SEC team. Florida State was conceived, designed, constructed, nurtured and finally played just like an SEC team.
SEC: But they’re IN the ACC — the gosh-darn ACC, a fool basketball conference.
AU: We couldn’t tell any difference.
SEC: Bobby Bowden had the chance years ago to join us. Turned it down. Said he wasn’t no dad-blamed fool with a death wish, or something like that.
AU: Did you see the speed of those guys? Did you see that kickoff return that killed us? It was a beep-beep blur.
ALABAMA: Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You guys are complaining a kick return that …
SEC: You sit down. You’re part of the problem. Bob Stoops over at Oklahoma still hasn’t wiped the smirk off his face.
AU: There were chiseled athletes everywhere we looked.
SEC: Shouldn’t matter. And you, of all people, should not be bemoaning ill-timed kick returns.
AU: And Jimbo Fisher, the coach. Cut his teeth right here at Auburn, honed his craft with seven years at LSU. Survived five years with Nick Saban himself. Managed to decipher Les Miles for two more seasons. Try that sometime. If that not’s the SEC in overalls and gimme caps we don’t know what is.
SEC: So you’re saying there was a leak? Others have our blueprint?
AU: Sure looked like it to us. Them young fellas could some run. That wasn’t Notre Dame we were tangling with. And remember, we were 10-point underdogs.
SEC: Come to think of it, it was you Auburn guys with the gimmicky offense and suspect defense. It did almost look like a role reversal of sorts. Florida State was playing it pretty straight.
AU: But was working pretty well for us for a while.
SEC: But that’s the point. You had a 21-3 lead and had that Heisman Trophy winner, the Winston kid, looking like Clueless Jameis, like he’d never seen a real SEC defense. Now that’s the way it’s supposed to work when the SEC is showing off.
AU: The faked punt hurt. Otherwise …
SEC: You didn’t see that one coming? Sheesh, boy.
AU: There’s an eb and flow to any game.
SEC: But championship teams just don’t blow 18-point leads. We were already printing the “Great Eight” bumper stickers.
AU: We offer our sincere apologies, with the reminder that 13 other SEC teams had ample opportunity to win enough games to go and do the chore.
SEC: That’s not good enough.
Scooter Hobbs covers LSU athletics. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org
Posted By: Matt Roman On: 1/12/2014
Title: Auburn is a digrace to the integrity of the SEC
AUBURN IS A DISGRACE TO THE INTEGRITY OF THE SEC. An 18 pt lead, full momentum, and an 8th consecutive national championship. Yes Alabama lost to Oklahoma, but it wasn't for National bragging rights. Take a look back to 1992, it was Bama who began to establish the SEC Championship relevancy, so for the SEC to blame or claim Alabama was a disappointment this year is ridiculous. They have been the backbone of the SEC along with LSU of course. Auburn was using a hope and pray method all season, they had no quality wins, just lucky ones. Now don't get me wrong Auburn turned their program around thanks in part to coach M, but they were too cocky and arrogant after beating Bama by another miraculous play. Their pride for beating Bama, took away their concentration from focusing on where their pride should have been closing out the BCS era by establish BCS dominance. It was a memorable year for the BCS, and the most unbearable year for the SEC. The only memory that came from this year "SEC" wise is that Auburn disgraced themselves, the state of Alabama and the SEC! Looking forward to the new playoff system, I feel that the best conference will win, so with that said providing Auburn is not the Southeasts representative we once again will here the final chants of the year being SEC! SEC!
Posted By: Matt On: 1/10/2014
Title: Alabama is not part of the problem
Great article except the part where Bama is part of the problem. First of all, Alabama built the SEC and has been a staple of it's integrity. 1992 Alabama beats Florida in the 1st ever SEC Championship Game. Since that time Multiple National Championships, a Heisman Trophy winner, and a multitude of respect from the College Football world. Yes they lost to Auburn. Yes they lost to Oklahoma, and Yes they will be a contender next season even without there so called "game manager" being A.J McCarron. Alabama did not lose a National Championship bowl, they lost a BCS bowl yes, but not one that could've ended the BCS era with proof that the SEC is the most dominant conference in collegiate football. Auburn is not a disgrace to the SEC, they are a disappointment period.