Close doesn't count for Auburn, SEC

By By Scooter Hobbs / American Press

This SEC high tribunal will now come to order.

Auburn, will you please face the judge and jury and would you horse-laughing Alabama fans please settle down and come to order?

AUBURN: War Eagle!

SEC:

War Who? Auburn, you have brought great shame and disgrace upon this

proud (arrogant) conference. You must now answer for

Florida State 34, Auburn 31. You must show true cause why you

should not be excommunicated posthaste from this proud (insufferable)

conference.

AU: We had a great season. Made it to the BCS championship game. Lots of thrills (unexplained miracles) along the way.

SEC: Exactly, but you didn’t win it now, did you? Where’s the crystal, big boy? The SEC doesn’t just go to the BCS title game

— that’s for apologized to Auburn fans (for rushing for 195 yards but not winning because they’re the wannabes — the SEC,

it WINS the BCS title games, DOMINATES BCS title games and they are all supposed to end with cheerful (taunting) chants of

S-E-C, S-E-C!

AU: It was a great game. But Tre Mason, danged if he didn’t break one too many tackles and score the go-ahead touchdown too early.

SEC: Apology-schmology. What about the rest of the SEC? Alabama excepted, it tends to live vicariously with each year’s anointed

SEC champion to carry the banner for all of them. SEC Fatigue is not a illness, it’s a glorious way of life.

AU: We have to live with Alabama fans ­­— and we beat them (expletive deleted). Is that not punishment enough?

SEC:

Deal with it. Do you realize how much fun they’re having at Ohio State

right now? Oregon just built another billion-dollar

palace just to celebrate the SEC demise. Can you imagine the party

they’re having at Oklahoma? Southern Cal feels vindicated.

Texas has a new coach and a new reason to live. Even Michigan has

hope. All at our expense! They’re dancing in the streets.

Next think you know, Boise State is going to be trash-talking again.

AU: SEC still went 7-3 in bowls, not bad.

SEC: Warm-up acts, son. Around here you’re supposed to bring home the big crystal or the bowl season is meaningless. Does the

term “Eight is Not Enough” have any meaning to you. Now they’ll say it was a Lucky Seven. They’re all laughing at us. It’s

like Mardi Gras in the Big 12 and Pac-10.

AU: We were 13 seconds away.

SEC: Great. We’ll print t-shirts that read:

“7 Years”

“59 minutes”

“47 seconds”

Not quite the same.

AU: The jealous Big Ten refs threw a mean flag. Pass interference. Not fair.

SEC: It was a good call. Shame it had to end that way, granted. But it was the right call. Your guy mugged him.

AU: LSU lost a BCS title game. Those Tigers are still welcome around here. At least we showed up to play.

SEC: Those Tigers kept that embarrassment within the family. Lost to Bama. Still got ridiculed for it. But it was the greatest of all BCS games. It took years of committee tinkering, but the system finally worked perfectly and the

deck was stacked to where we couldn’t lose. S-E-C! S-E-C!

AU: If it please the tribunal, we have a rather unique argument we’d like to present. We hold that maybe that same dynamic was

in play out in Pasadena.

SEC: We’re interested.

AU: Florida State looked like an SEC team.

SEC: But they’re not.

AU: Could have fooled us.

SEC: Go on.

AU: Florida State IS an SEC team. Florida State was conceived, designed, constructed, nurtured and finally played just like an

SEC team.

SEC: But they’re IN the ACC — the gosh-darn ACC, a fool basketball conference.

AU: We couldn’t tell any difference.

SEC: Bobby Bowden had the chance years ago to join us. Turned it down. Said he wasn’t no dad-blamed fool with a death wish, or

something like that.

AU: Did you see the speed of those guys? Did you see that kickoff return that killed us? It was a beep-beep blur.

ALABAMA: Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You guys are complaining a kick return that …

SEC: You sit down. You’re part of the problem. Bob Stoops over at Oklahoma still hasn’t wiped the smirk off his face.

AU: There were chiseled athletes everywhere we looked.

SEC: Shouldn’t matter. And you, of all people, should not be bemoaning ill-timed kick returns.

AU:

And Jimbo Fisher, the coach. Cut his teeth right here at Auburn, honed

his craft with seven years at LSU. Survived five years

with Nick Saban himself. Managed to decipher Les Miles for two

more seasons. Try that sometime. If that not’s the SEC in overalls

and gimme caps we don’t know what is.

SEC: So you’re saying there was a leak? Others have our blueprint?

AU: Sure looked like it to us. Them young fellas could some run. That wasn’t Notre Dame we were tangling with. And remember,

we were 10-point underdogs.

SEC: Come to think of it, it was you Auburn guys with the gimmicky offense and suspect defense. It did almost look like a role

reversal of sorts. Florida State was playing it pretty straight.

AU: But was working pretty well for us for a while.

SEC: But that’s the point. You had a 21-3 lead and had that Heisman Trophy winner, the Winston kid, looking like Clueless Jameis,

like he’d never seen a real SEC defense. Now that’s the way it’s supposed to work when the SEC is showing off.

AU: The faked punt hurt. Otherwise …

SEC: You didn’t see that one coming? Sheesh, boy.

AU: There’s an eb and flow to any game.

SEC: But championship teams just don’t blow 18-point leads. We were already printing the “Great Eight” bumper stickers.

AU: We offer our sincere apologies, with the reminder that 13 other SEC teams had ample opportunity to win enough games to go

and do the chore.

SEC: That’s not good enough.

Scooter Hobbs covers LSU athletics. Email him at shobbs@americanpress.com